What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:32
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is soul school!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do you suck dicks with no reciprocation?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot live in the past .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What does it mean to you to live a life that reflects biblical values?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
Are LGBT people accepted in Japan?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ive learnt so much.
Why didn't people like the Game of Thrones ending?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So, i spoilt her more .
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
I think the readers, may guess!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im still living with it.
Do very hot men ever feel attracted to an ugly woman? Why?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Comes on , in middle age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I don,t even have a pension.
We were not on the streets..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was scared of men, in general
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He knew the spot.
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My family never makes their pension either.
She wouldn,t have been !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She married twice! .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was seconnd youngest,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
I was 9 years of age.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
Who then, do I blame.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When she asked me how she looked .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I said to her
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I waited trembling.
She loved him until the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Put me off passion for life!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Would this be the day?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I will be 64.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It was going to be , some day.